LIVE from Starbucks

Greetings all, and I suppose a hearty "HAPPY 2006" is in order! I hope you all haven't been too upset about me not writing during the Christmas break, but I had my last pesky wisdom tooth removed (the bottom left if you were curious) and I haven't really felt like doing much of anything but sitting on my butt. But I'm back, and I'm better than ever. So, I've come to the realization that I really haven't told a tale from my twisted life, so I thought I'd entertain the crowd with the story of what should be called by oral surgeons as "The Most Difficult Extraction Ever."

So I proceed into the office of Dr. Ivan Marks, Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon, where I had been just weeks before departing for sunny California. The office was just as I had left it 14 months ago, the same musty old furniture, the same subscriptions to "Highlights" and "Sports Illustrated." Naturally, I took a look at the "Highlights" just to make sure that they hadn't devised any puzzles that could stump old Jeff.

Anyways, while I waited, I could tell that the nurse was glaring at me through that type of glass designed where we can't see what they're doing in there. I mean, why is that even necessary??! We all know that they're just checking their e-mail, so why should it be so secret what's going on back there? But forging ahead, all the while I was waiting, I was being distracted by a lovely video about wisdom teeth and worst case scenarios. I mean, there's not much that can make me want to bust out in song and dance, but this video was riveting!! I'm pretty sure that everyone awaiting a wisdom tooth extraction wants to know that paralysis of the mouth is a probable complication. I'm sorry, but paralysis is a little more extreme than a complication...it's a mistake. What good are malpractice lawsuits if everything is considered a complication? I mean, should I just go ahead and tell people who ride in my car that death is a possible complication in our journey!?!?! Ok, whatever. I'll let it go for now.

So after the appropriate amount of waiting, I was summoned into the room where the uncomfortable chair and the creepy overhead light awaited me. The doctor recognized me, and we had the typical amount of small talk until he decided to pry open my mouth and stab me thrice with needles to avoid pain. TOO LATE!!! If you puncture my mouth with needles, I will feel it. I mean folks, this is freaking 2006. Get with the program. If I can be sitting here in Starbucks wirelessly chatting with people on the other side of the country, surely there is some solution. But I’m just a musician…so I’ll leave that complaint for when I elevate to a position of higher political power.

So, I’m numb. Reclining in the chair upholstered in hideous brown not-even-convincing fake leather. They turn on that light, prop my mouth open with some contraption, and waste no time turning my mouth into playground for knives, hammers and other torture weapons. A half an hour later, the tooth is apparently gone. I don’t know why they didn’t just use the tooth-dissolving cream….oh wait, it doesn’t exist. It does make just so much more sense to slice a poor boy’s mouth to bits and cut the tooth out. So they adequately pad my mouth with gauze so that I can see the damage that had truly been done to my gums. But at last, the tooth was gone, the last of my wisdom teeth, so I left the office with the assurance that I would never be requiring the services of Dr. Ivan Marks ever again.

Well, I think that’s enough for tonight. Parts of this epic tale have been truncated just because I honestly could write a novel about my experience, and how people should seriously consider the consequences before agreeing to let the nice man massacre your face. I hope everyone has a good night. For those of you getting ready to go back to school, I feel your pain. Classes start Monday, and I could be more elated. Ta ta for now.

OH, P.S. If you haven’t had your wisdom teeth out yet, don’t worry….IT’S GREAT! ☺